A career in medicine isn't something everyone aspires for. A few (maybe more), like me, happened to find ourselves in it, primarily by being guided along through a singular path from a very young age. It is only later that I realised I was probably unintentionally blindfolded to all other paths. Be that as it may, now that I have been shaped into a clinician, for all intents and purposes, the profession has finally caught up to me. I can say I'm comfortable in my white coat, dealing with OPD patients, emergencies, critically ill patients, newborns, inter-departmental consults, juggling academic and administrative responsibilities all while trying to eat and stay healthy, which is no mean feat when you stay alone and hardly find time for a proper meal or exercise. On the downside, hobbies went down the drain and I wasn't developing my extra-curricular skills or personal identity but I could feel my clinical prowess and confidence in handling patients improving. I even realised that I could assign people tasks, and come up with on-the-spot adjustments which was a newly-learned skill. Despite all this, I felt like I was in auto mode, there wasn't a lot of curiosity stemming when it should have, I felt myself slipping down a steep slope, and gaining unwanted momentum at that.
The desire to be doing something else, to be free of the weight of handling a human life in your hands, does pop into existence on a random Sunday afternoon, but it gets quelled within seconds, and my brain returns to its baseline state, almost like waking up from an impossible dream. It's interesting how the brain is programmed to forget dreams within a few minutes of waking up, lest we confuse dream-space for reality (the repercussions of which have been vividly depicted in the movie "Inception"). Maybe our subconscious desire to stay in our respective lanes, profession wise, however unpleasant it may be, stems from some similar epigenetic influence. Think about it, is it maybe the "Sunk cost" fallacy, where you find the idea of seemingly throwing away years of time and money spent in pursuit of this very outcome, utterly stupid? Is it the guilt at taking for granted the rigorous training you went through before finally ending up a doctor, a programme that lakhs of students are probably turned away from each year? The fear of losing the respect that people gave you for being a productive member of society? You were lucky enough to get through the door, yet the room isn't quite the way you imagined it. Every ounce of thrill is countered with a pound of deadweight. One that you have to deal with all on your own, most of the time.
It might seem to defy all logic, to a rational observer, how a practising clinician who finds herself burdened and distraught with her work, comes back to the same work, time and time again. Maybe it's a bit too narrow-minded of paint medicine as the only occupation that can ellicit such feelings of exasperation, but I'm pretty sure its up there on the list. The first episode of "The Pitt" comes to mind, a series as close to being inside a real hospital as ever shown before on television, at least from what I've seen. "We're the worker bees protecting the hive" says the consultant Emergency physician who kept pondering over the same question in his head while off-duty, "and we can't stay away from it". Its as though an anthropomorphic sea, in a constant state of tempestuous unrest, gets so used to the unrest that if it ever catches itself seeming gentle or calm, feels ridiculous and immediately switches back to thundering sounds of waves crashing. Maybe the doctor world is a world of opposites, where you're so conditioned to working under pressure, working on an adrenaline rush, working to survive and stay ahead of the rat race, that you don't know how to not do what you do.
Let me try and give you my perspective. I've been unemployed for nearly 4 months now, after having resigned from my previous job, a high stakes one - where rush is the norm. It was not just managing patients and making life-saving decisions that I needed to worry about, it was constant judgement, academic pressure, dealing with colleagues and superiors and finding my way in a system set in stone. It all seemed a bit too much at a point. I quit. I wanted to study and get into a DM programme or at least I thought I did, but here I was, hardly able to get through the task of being a mere Senior resident. Hanging over me like Damocles' sword was the idea that I wasn't good enough without a DM suffix to my name, pervading into every thought, action and interaction. Mostly because that is exactly what the place made me think. It was almost like the institution morphed into a living, breathing entity, with one resonating voice - be better or get lost. I did wonder how people managed to breeze through their three (sometimes even ten) year tenure, accepting the fact that "this is the way things are", that "pressure makes you better at your job". They were stronger than me, smarter than me, more deserving, I reasoned; relegating my queasiness to unprofessionalism and indiscipline. Six unsuccessful attempts (three of which I put in some effort) later, my "hesitant-to-arrive-at-decisions" brain decided that its time is up. Let the ego go and help yourself. I can lean on my parents for a while, until I get into a DM programme and can stand on my own two feet again. Its okay being unemployed. These persistent thoughts led me to finally throw up my hands in defeat and head home.
Fast forward four months, and I think I made the right decision. It was a break that I desperately needed : time with my parents, some well needed time spent outside the bubble that I thought was life. It didn't have to be that way, and now I know. I can look at things from a bigger perspective, my stress hormones are not skyrocketing 90% of the day. I can sense myself breathe, actually see and feel nature, play with my cats. Its liberating to say the least. However, an itch has begun to surface, one that I cant quite put a finger on. There have been many days in the past few months where I've regretted my decision to quit. Foregoing a stable income and a secure job, financial independence and the privilege of not having to watch where every cent of my money goes. Bigger than that though is the feeling of missing out. The feeling of not being in a high risk-high reward environment where you're driven to perform, where you try your best to assess and act at the same time, where you reach out for help - sometimes you get it, sometimes you don't and that pushes you even farther. The thrill of being part of something bigger, being in the presence of the "greats", whether or not I get to learn from them. I get that itch a lot more frequently now, probably a result of being sessile for far too long. I keep going back to the days I didn't have time to think ! Now I think perhaps, that was in some way necessary for surviving the place. Maybe it helped to get out of your own head, to immerse yourself in your work, because the risk of making a mistake was just too high. I know there are two sides to it, but unfortunately, you only feel the emotion of one thought at a time.
In some measure of time, this so called itch that I'm feeling now will probably be replaced by feelings of relief. The roller coaster ride of emotions is infamous for being bad at asking for directions. I can however rest assured that the feeling will not lie in a corner and gather dust. It's dynamic, just like life is. So I intend to enjoy the current chapter and move forward, or better, let the arrow of time move forward and let myself be moved along by it, like much of the things in my life. I consider the ability to pause and write down this whole train of thought as one of the highlights of this "treasured" time of my life, something to look back at when I'm older, and chuckle as I relive all aspects of this moment, including the sight of my fiancè on video-call, in the inset next to this draft. I just thought of another advantage of this "work-break" (sounds better than "unemployment") - getting to see him, talk to him and day dream about our future together- and my spirits have been lifted right away !!!
